W

hen we left them last, Joe & Jane Schmuck had repositioned 

Jane’s inherited assets into an array of lower risk choices, all 

designed not to crash with the stock market. Now, we fi nd them 

relaxing poolside. Jane is casually swimming laps while Joe 

reclines in the hot tub, pretzels and a guilt-erasing light beer within easy reach. 

Hark! From beyond the fence cometh a disturbance, an uncultured 

bothersome sound that could arise from only one source: Joe’s long-time partner 

in folly and sloth: “College Buddy”, aka “CB” Bumhead. 

“Uh, Hey Joe, whatch’a doin’?” asks College Buddy, as he placed an empty 

brew on a fence post and cracked opened another. Joe gazed down his limp 

frame, seemingly on the edge of comatose. “The minimal, CB.” CB smiles, 

then responds, “And no one does it better than you, ole boy. Remember when 

we got arrested for sleeping in the dean’s yard?” Joe tilted his head. “No, I 

don’t remember. What brings you to the fence this previously serene Saturday 

morn?” 

“Dude, aren’t you worried about the stock market? What if a President 

Trump throws it out’a whack?” Joe drew from the Michelob well. “No, not 

worried.” CB hit the liquid Xanax again, then inquired, “You kidding? We 

could have a revolt. Whole thing could crash. I’m already frantic.” Joe shrugs. 

“Nope, not worried.” 

“And then there’s the national debt. Don’t matter who’s President. We’re still 

$20 Trill in the hole!” Joe sounded bored: “Not worried.” 

“How about all the baby boomers retiring—not producing, just draining the 

system? Plus, all the millennials living in basements also producing zilch. They 

make me jealous, but they don’t pay any taxes.” Joe sipped again from his still 

cold bottle. “Still not worried, CB”. 

“And the economy’s lethargic, like it just maxed out the bong pipe!” “Who 

cares, CB? My money’s safe.” Jane popped her head out of the water. “You 

mean, my money’s safe, right Joe?” Joe snatched upward, knocked over his beer. 

“Uh, of course, honey. Just a fi gure of speech.” Jane returned to her laps. 

In mid-chug, CB swallowed, then with face contorted, asked, “Your money 

is safe? How so? I thought you were heavy into stocks, paranoid about anything 

that could kill ‘em.” “Not anymore, CB. I found a new advisor who took me, 

uh, I mean Jane and I, off that roller coaster.” Joe glanced at Jane, but she was 

too into her backstroke to thank him for changing strategies. 

CB’s ears perked up. “Off the roller coaster, eh? Then, onto what? CDs? 

Their yields are lower than my IQ.” Joe smiled at his self-effacing friend. “Some 

lower risk alternative stuff I didn’t even know existed. No guarantees, but we 

just might score 5 to 10%; yet not lose a wink of sleep.” CB’s eyebrows raised. 

“Really? I’ll take all the sleep I can get.” 

Joe slung an “understatement of the year” glance toward CB and added, 

“Yep, and he also made our concerns about long term care costs disappear.” 

College Buddy’s ears were wide open now. “Wow. Just yesterday, my wife said 

that the way I live, I’ll be an invalid by age 50.” 

Joe tried not to laugh. “My new guy has ‘outside the box’ answers for all kinds 

of worries. You ought’a call him. Plus, he springs for lunch at the Club.” CB 

smiled. “A free club lunch? Who is this guy?” 

“Hense Ellis over at Insight Investments, LLC. Be wise College Buddy. Give 

him a call.”

This article does not represent personal investment advice. It provides no promise, guarantee, assurance, or 

even suggestion that any investment plan, product, tactic, approach, or strategy will be suitable or will produce 

positive returns for any investor. Please secure and carefully read the full Insight Investments, LLC Disclaimer 

by calling 850-533-9887, or see it at www.InsightInvestments.org. Hense R. Ellis II is an Investment Advisor 

Representative. Hense and IInsight Investments, LLC is a Florida and Alabama Registered Investment 

Advisor. Hense is also an insurance agent, licensed in Florida and Alabama. Drafted on Nov. 23, 2016, this 

article represents data current on or near that date; thus, please confi rm the same data on the date you read this.

To learn more, see www.InsightInvestments.org or call 850-533-9887.

“Joe & Jane Schmuck Breathe Easy”

story by

 Hense R. Ellis II  |  

photo by

 Howard Robinson

94    |    DestinMagazine.com

94 Abundance Dec/Jan.indd   1

11/29/16   10:06 AM